A few non-Irish jokes

Everyone likes a joke don't they?  Disclaimer:  I make no claim that these are tasteful!


Enjoy.
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Just got off the phone to my mate, he said he'd spent the best part of yesterday unblocking a toilet - amazing, what was the rest of the day like if that were the best bit?


 


They say it's impossible for a woman to change her man.

That's not entirely true. When I married my wife, she turned me into a miserable sad bugger.


 


I need your advice.  I’ve been offered 8 legs of venison at £10 a piece.  Do you think that’s too deer?


 


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


 


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor
used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!


 


I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's foots earlier, trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, he's pushing his luck.


 


A mate of mine accused me of plagiarism...
I didn't know what that meant, so I took his word for it.


 


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here .................."


 


Michael Douglas sparked controversy a while ago by claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.

It begs two obvious questions.

Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?


 


Had a scary moment when I was opening my expensive new furniture with a Stanley knife.
I damn near slit my shelf


 


My doctor thinks there may be something wrong with my prostate. But he can't quite put his finger on it....


 


Forget ‘Birdies’ and ‘Eagles’, here are some new golf terms…..


 


An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson- somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good

A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be



A Kate Moss - thinned it

A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Tony Blair - too much spin

A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you just can't
 
A Michael Barrymore - no idea how it ended up in the water

A Charles Saatchi - just a gentle tap

An Eddie Edwards - terrible in flight, doesn't go very far ... but it's still an eagle

A Chicken McNugget - still hoping it could be a birdie even if it doesn't seem very likely

A Jesus - nailed it

An Amelia Earhart - flew off and never seen again

A Titanic - looks like it will never get a hole in one ... and then it does

A Piers Morgan - no matter how hard you hit it, it wouldn't be hard enough

A bird flu round - once the bogeys start, there's no recovery
 


 


Kids these days have no respect.  I was in the bar last night and a cheeky young lady took one look at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Carlsberg or Guinness?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday???"
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