Irish Jokes - Now these are old!!


Below are as many Irish jokes as I could rustle up.  Feel free to add more in the comments to this.  Enjoy.


My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me. "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Paddy, these are from an estate agents."

A spokesman at Ringsend sewage plant in Ireland has announced plans to extend its capacity. "By how much?”, asked the reporter. He replied, "Two turds."

Paddy texts his wife...

“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.

If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
One afternoon Paddy and Mick were having a pint at a pub across from a brothel. For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were shocked when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel.

"Begod," says Paddy, "that's a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!"

A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel.

"Ah," says Mick, "wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!"

More time passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel. Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern. Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper:

"Didja see that, Mick? One of them poor girls must be on the deathbed!"
"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?”, asked Paddy.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

And", continued Paddy, "if I asked you for some
Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?!!"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!" So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then! So why ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?!"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."
There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere.
One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
Three men die on Christmas Eve. St. Peter tells them, "In order to get into Heaven, you must have something with you that represents Christmas."
The Englishman clicks on his lighter and says, "Its a candle." St. Peter lets him in.
The Welshman jangles his keys and says, "They're sleigh bells." St. Peter lets him in.
The Irishman produces a pair of knickers and a bra. St. Peter asks, "How do they represent Christmas?"
He replies, "They're Carol's."
Why is Ryanair the safest airline to fly with?
Because suicide bombers want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.
Twenty three people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train station in Dublin.
Police believe Irish Muslims have set off the first NO MORE NAILS bomb.
This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he’s fallen in love and going to get married. He says: “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while. He then says: “Right, OK Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did ye know?”

“I don’t like her.”
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cosif they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Two Irishman standing on a railway platform when one suddenly runs and stands on the tracks.
"For God’s sake Sheamus, move out of the way! The train is arriving!", shouts his friend.

"Do you want me to die Sean? You heard the announcement; the train is arriving on the platform 1?"
19 Irishmen go to a cinema. Ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" Mick replies, "The film says 18 and over, miss."
Seamus was starting his first day on the building site. The foreman asked
him to go and work on the 15th floor. However, beforehand he had a word
with the lads who normally worked there.

"Take it easy on old Seamus, he's a good lad - so no micky taking OK??"
They agree, and Seamus starts work.
Later that day, the foreman is eating his lunch when there is a scream and
Seamus drops through his Portacabin roof - dead.
The foreman can't believe it and sprints up to the 15th floor.
"What happened? What happened?" he cries
"Nothing" reply the workers, "we was just chatting about stuff and he
jumped off!"
"What did you say?" asks the suspicious foreman
"Well," replies one man "We was having a natter and I told him that my granddad flew in Wellingtons in the war."
A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Sheamus was overweight so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Sheamus returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions? "

Sheamus nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

“No, from the skipping”
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
Murphy is walking home from the pub in Belfast, when a flying saucer lands in the middle of the road. He watches in amazement as a trap door hisses open and a humanoid figure in a spacesuit walks down a ramp.
"Are ... are ... you ... from ... outer space?" stammers Murphy.
"Yes," comes the reply, "I'm a Martian."
Murphy holds up his hand and says,
"Not down this street, you're not!"
It was in a pub in Cork when a group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no-one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it.
An Irish Priest is transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as
To send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Paddy went into Argos and said "Can I have a Potato clock please "
" I'm sorry sir " said the assistant " I've never heard of a Potato clock. We have Cuckoo clocks and Grandfather clocks but nothing like a Potato clock "
"Well ", said Paddy.  "I've got a new job and I start at 9 o'clock in the morning, so my wife said, "You have to get a Potato clock"
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey. Seamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks.

Murphy said, OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.
"The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are feckin' killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

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