Christmas Jokes: Go on, you know you love them really!!

'Tis the season to cringe at all the bad Christmas cracker jokes (and there are a few of those included here!).  Lets get the only Irish joke in this selection in first.  As usual, I make no claim that these are in any way tasteful!


Enjoy.  :-)


_______________________________________________________

 
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy Christmas
____
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick bugger. I'll be putting it up in my living room!"

____

A Marks and Spencer’s advert claims that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita.

____

Nigella’s new Christmas recipe……..Cold Turkey

Maybe not presented in the same giddy style but will keep Scotland Yard off her trail.

____

A couple were out Christmas shopping and the shopping centre was so packed that they became parted. The woman was not initially concerned but after an hour she decided to try to find her hubby by ringing his mobile. It was very busy and they still had lots of presents to find so she asked him where he was?

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about seven years ago, where you had fallen in love with that diamond necklace that I just could not afford to buy and so I promised that one day I would get it for you?"

The wife then choked up and started to cry and said "Yes of course I remember that shop".. He replied, "Well you should find me easily then as I am watching the football in the pub next door!"

____

The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.

My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"

The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"

I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"

____

What is Santa's favourite pizza?
Deep pan; crisp and even

____

Attention Parents!

On 24th December at just before 7pm, the International Space Station will make a pass over the UK, lasting for about 3 minutes. Clouds allowing, the pass will be bright and clear.

Attention Young Children!

On 24th December at just before 7pm you will be able to see Santa's sleigh flying through the sky.

____

Q. How do you know that Santa has been in your garden shed?
A. You have three extra hoes! (ho, ho, ho)
____

A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said:

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through threephases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

____

I've had enough of Christmas.  All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that all the kids ask for.  And what happens Christmas morn? That fat fecker with the beard gets all the credit.  Still I suppose it is my fault for marrying her
____

The song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did.   Mr. and Mrs. Hall were not very happy.
____

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he'd done anything wrong...

Forcing his eyes open, Jack sees a couple of aspirins with a glass of water on the side table and, next to them, a single red rose!!  He sits up and his clothing arranged in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.  In the bathroom, he cringes at seeing a huge black eye staring back at him in the mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:  "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.  I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.  Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., pissed out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. All in all, one hell of a performance Dad."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed.... "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
____

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Arthur
Arthur who?
Arthur any mince pies left?
____
Did you hear about the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days.
____
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
____
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
____
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
____
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
__
What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
____
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!
____
Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
____
It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.  In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

____
One year Father Christmas is forced to have an official from the Aviation Authority check his sleigh to make sure it is airworthy. The official checks out the sleigh on the ground then sits beside Father Christmas for a test flight. Suddenly Father Christmas notices the official has a revolver in his pocket. ‘What’s that for?’ he asks. ‘You’re not a hijacker are you?’ ‘No,’ replies the official. ‘But we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off.’
____

How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer ‘Olive’? Yeah, you know, ‘Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.’

____
Definition of a Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.

____
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

____
Santa Claus: The only man to be interested in an empty stocking.

____
Two snowmen standing in a field.  One says to the other, "Here, do you smell carrots?"

____
Why are women’s breasts like a trainset a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children, but the father wants to play with them.

____

After a weekend of being dragged around Xmas shopping I took the wife into town today. We walked in to 8 pubs never ordered a drink just to walk back to the first and have a pint.

____

WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS

A government warning has advised that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take with them:

De-Icer
A Shovel
Blankets or a Sleeping Bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food and drink
5Kgs of Rock Salt
A Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
Tow rope
5 gallon petrol can
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads

All very well, but I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning.

____
A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the wardrobe. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb.

"This wouldn't, by any chance, be my Christmas present, would it?" she asks.

"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking filler."

____
The X-Files, the missing episode

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.

Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.

Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the
chimney, with care.

Scully: You really think someone's been here?

Mulder: Someone or something.

Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.

Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.

Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out
who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.

Scully: Who? What are you talking about?

Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.

Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?

Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.

Scully: It left crumbs everywhere.  And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.

Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.

Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?

Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.

Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.

Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.

Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?

Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.

Scully: Impossible.

Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.

Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.

Scully: But we have no proof.

Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.

Scully: But that was a meteor shower.

Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.

Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.

Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...


I've bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when he opens it.

____

Mailman John walked down the street posting the last of the Christmas mail. At the first door he came to, the residents handed him fruit and flowers. They wished him season’s greetings, thoroughly thanked him and said that they appreciated his hard work during the year.

At the next house, the residents handed him home-baked chocolate chip cookies and also thanked him for a job well done.

Then the next door he came to a beautiful blonde who answered the door. She immediately invited him in. He entered the house and immediately set into an erotic encounter with the blonde.  Afterwards, they returned downstairs and the blonde fixed him breakfast.

The blonde hands him a coffee cup and he noticed that there was a dollar bill under it. The mail man asked what it was for and the blonde replied, "Well, I asked my husband what he thought I should do for you for Christmas. He said 'Screw him -- give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."






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