Friday jokes.

 Cheer up, it's Friday!

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting! at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate". 

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Tesco anymore either." 

I invited my American mate to the opening of my WW2 themed pub.

He was late. 

I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today.

I bet it's early-onset Alzheimer's. 

I have just watched the Lance Armstrong interview again.

He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all. 

Definition of bisexual.

A person who likes a woman just as much as the next man.

More Definitions.

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:  Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:  Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.

SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.