A few non-Irish jokes

Everyone likes a joke don't they?  Disclaimer:  I make no claim that these are tasteful!


Enjoy.
________________________






Just got off the phone to my mate, he said he'd spent the best part of yesterday unblocking a toilet - amazing, what was the rest of the day like if that were the best bit?


 


They say it's impossible for a woman to change her man.

That's not entirely true. When I married my wife, she turned me into a miserable sad bugger.


 


I need your advice.  I’ve been offered 8 legs of venison at £10 a piece.  Do you think that’s too deer?


 


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


 


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor
used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!


 


I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's foots earlier, trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, he's pushing his luck.


 


A mate of mine accused me of plagiarism...
I didn't know what that meant, so I took his word for it.


 


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?"

"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here .................."


 


Michael Douglas sparked controversy a while ago by claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.

It begs two obvious questions.

Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?


 


Had a scary moment when I was opening my expensive new furniture with a Stanley knife.
I damn near slit my shelf


 


My doctor thinks there may be something wrong with my prostate. But he can't quite put his finger on it....


 


Forget ‘Birdies’ and ‘Eagles’, here are some new golf terms…..


 


An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker

An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson- somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good

A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be



A Kate Moss - thinned it

A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems

A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Tony Blair - too much spin

A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you just can't
 
A Michael Barrymore - no idea how it ended up in the water

A Charles Saatchi - just a gentle tap

An Eddie Edwards - terrible in flight, doesn't go very far ... but it's still an eagle

A Chicken McNugget - still hoping it could be a birdie even if it doesn't seem very likely

A Jesus - nailed it

An Amelia Earhart - flew off and never seen again

A Titanic - looks like it will never get a hole in one ... and then it does

A Piers Morgan - no matter how hard you hit it, it wouldn't be hard enough

A bird flu round - once the bogeys start, there's no recovery
 


 


Kids these days have no respect.  I was in the bar last night and a cheeky young lady took one look at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Carlsberg or Guinness?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
___________________________________________



I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday???"
_______________________________________

Comments

Post a Comment

Feel free to leave a comment: I don't use or sell your data, and you will not receive any spam mail as a result.

Popular posts from this blog

Information overload.

Image
  HED Map Viewer 2024 (arcgis.com) The map showing archaeological sites here in Northern Ireland that I used in my last piece is well worth a mention in its own right (see the link at the top of this page).  It is a government site, but is open to the public, so there are no issues in using it.  There are many layers, from ones showing shipwrecks and aircraft crashes, to historic maps, battle sites, and even lidar surveys in some areas.   Pick on  a link that interests you, and click in.  There are often further links to other sites and even back to the original archaeological reports on many of them.  To those who don't live in Northern Ireland, sorry, you will have to find something similar for your own locality.  But here, there is a real warren of interesting information and links that will keep anyone with an interest occupied for hours. Many of the sites local to me I knew about, but there are a few that are new to me, including an intr...
Read more

And then what?

 If you have been reading these ramblings for a while, you may have read here:  The Burning Question of Our Times. (oldandireland.blogspot.com , that my conscience is giving me grief for my many years of burning petrol for fun.  You may even have seen this, posted way back in September 2019:  Old Ireland, new technology. The search for reliable solar water heating. (oldandireland.blogspot.com) , where I was looking for a good alternative for a solar thermal system that we had fitted on our roof. The tubes for it were made by a local company called Thermomax, and supposedly had a twenty year guarantee when we bought them.  They broke repeatedly and eventually catastrophically which meant that they were never likely to pay for themselves, and the guarantee turned out to be worth nothing because Thermomax went bankrupt.  Great. Because of my experience with those thermal tubes, there was no way that I was going to fit anything similar any time soon. ...
Read more

Local History of the worst possible kind! The story of Carnage Hill.

This post was shamelessly copied from a local history book, now out of print, that used to be available in pdf format on line.     It is only one section of a much larger and more broadly based book.  All credit is then due to the book's author, and to the team who originally published it.  Trinity College, Dublin have now scanned an published a host of records from the 1641 rebellion.  More details relating to the numerous massacres and other events from the this rebellion can be seen here: https://1641.tcd.ie/ Those who have travelled the main road between Bangor and Belfast will know the corner known as ‘the Devil’s Elbow’, which is located just before the junction leading to Seahill/ Rockport.   On the left side of the road when travelling from Bangor there is a small road leading up into the Holywood hills.   It is now called Carney Hill, but according to this article that name derives from Carnage Hill.   To see where it got this ...
Read more

Island life.

Image
OK, Islay has nothing to do with Ireland, but it is only twenty five miles off our coast, and the scenery and culture would be familiar to anyone who lives here in Ireland.  This story was originally published way back in 2008 in Minnesota Motorcycle Monthly, a great magazine in its time.  I thought this was sufficiently far removed from the current Covid crisis to give us all a small reminder of better times. Enjoy. __________ My home in Northern Ireland provides scope for many good scenic runs on a bike.  One familiar and rightly popular local run follows the coast north through County Antrim from the narrow confines of the Irish Sea to the open Atlantic.  The two waters meet off Ballycastle, a harbour sheltered by the rugged cliffs of Rathlin Island 3 miles offshore.  Look west from here on a good day, and the coast winds off toward Donegal and the open ocean, look north and off Scotland’s coast, the horizon is broken by Islay, the first of the Hebride...
Read more

Welcome

Image
Welcome to Old Ireland.   My initial idea for this site was to cover only classic vehicles, but since classicireland.ie was already taken and the best alternative I could find was this one, my thoughts for the site began to broaden.   A lot of the inspiration for this comes from the few magazines for which I have written articles.   Let’s get these mentioned early, because you should not be surprised to see a little of their influence here.   Real Classic is subscription only in print, but also has an excellent site at https://www.real-classic.co.uk/ , where Frank, Rowena and a host of writers entertain and inspire.   Then there is Minnesota Motorcycle Monthly, formerly in print monthly, but now only on line at http://mnmotorcycle.com / (unfortunately now obsolete.  You will need to use the Wayback machine to find it).   MMM’s archives could keep you reading happily for months, and the like it or not truths told by Thomas Day (Geezer with a grudg...
Read more

Tilly.

Image
  In January 2010 I was idly browsing through the ads for pet dogs on Gumtree when I spotted a very poor quality picture of a mainly white dog with some black markings.   The dog was sitting looking up at someone just out of shot, as if obedient to them, (Knowing Tilly now, I suspect treats may have been involved).   The description in the ad was somewhat less than detailed.   She was described as being a mix between a Bearded Collie and an Irish Wolf Hound, and the people that had her, wanted rid of her for free.   That, and a contact number was about it.   Even in the blurry shot on the ad she looked like a beautiful dog, and I was intrigued.   It had been around ten years since our last dog had died (aged 17), but at the time, my wife was nursing her elderly mother, and with a Wolf Hound in the mix I presumed that this would be a very large dog, so I didn’t mention it, thinking that someone would soon take on a dog like that.   Shortly afte...
Read more

Two Wrongs…….

 This has been bugging me ever since Hamas were stupid/ callous enough to raid Israel on the 7 th October. What did they expect would happen with the current right-wing government that is in power in Israel?  There is a lot of truth in what Israel are saying about Hamas using their own peoples lives for propaganda. However, and this is a very big however, there is, or at least there should be, a huge difference between the terrorist organisation Hamas and a legitimate state like Israel.   I’ll give you a couple of rough, home grown definitions that might hopefully illustrate the point.   We have a lot of experience in dealing with terrorists here in Northern Ireland.   What Israel is doing categorically will not work.   They will not get rid of Hamas, in fact heavy handed tactics like they are applying will only drive more volunteers into the ranks of Hamas. 1)       A terrorist organisation does not follow the rule of law,...
Read more

MOT prep for modern cars.

Image
  My wife's car (MX5) was up for MOT  recently so, well  in advance,  I checked it over.  The only usual wear and tear mechanical items that needed replaced were the rear brake pads.  There is nothing unusual in this, and it is an easy job but from previous experience it tends to have side effects in these cars (see later).  At the front there was a problem that I was not expecting. These cars come with Bilstein suspension as standard.  The rubber boots on the front ones had broken up, exposing the damper shafts to all the vile salt and corrosion that our winter roads provide.  In my humble opinion this should not happen on a ten year old car.  For example, the boots protecting the front suspension on my 47 year old BMW bike are still the original parts, and are still fine.  It is all down to the specification of the rubber in these parts as set by the factory.  But the boots had to be changed, especially given the price of rep...
Read more

You are a hard bunch to please.

The post on here with the largest number of hits is the Irish jokes one, and all I did for it was trawl a few jokes sites.  It was posted ages ago, but still gets quite a few hits. Other stories on here like the links to our history (WW1, Civil War, love and emigration) of the old Rolex that my Mum was given as a teenager ( https://oldandireland.blogspot.com/2018/11/social-history-part-2-rolex-with-story.html ) barely got a hit at all, neither did my comments on what I know about Belfast's most famous bar (The Crown:  https://oldandireland.blogspot.com/2018/11/the-jewel-that-is-crown.html ).  No comments, no feedback; nothing.  It is difficult to know what to write, but then again, perhaps I should take this as a judgement and just shut up? Any thoughts?
Read more