More jokes to cheer up a gloomy Monday.

More non-Irish jokes.  Again, I make no claim that these are tasteful.  There are more of them here: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=5494771403155716571#editor/target=post;postID=8464580302892352034;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=14;src=postname






I heard on the news that the recent storms had cost this country a billion pounds.


What an utter waste of money, if anything, they did more harm than good!


__________________


Thoughts for the day


Crisis, what crisis? Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?


Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.


________________


Take the health warning about sodium intake with a pinch of salt.


_________________


 People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.


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I just finished reading a new book on the Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.


____________


I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section. It must be my short attention spam.


_________________


Latest pick up line for joggers. Your pace or mine.


 ______________


What job descriptions really mean:


 1. "Competitive Salary": We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.


 2. "Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you.


 3. "Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.


 4. "Some overtime required": Some every night and some every weekend.


 5. "Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around.


 6. "Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality assurance.


 7. "Career-minded": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).


 8. "Apply in person": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.


 9. "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.


 10. "Problem-solving skills a must": You're walking into perpetual chaos.


 11. "Requires team leadership skills": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.


 12. "Good communication skills": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


________________


My mate told me he wanted to start breeding dogs...


 So I gave him a couple of pointers.


___________________


Rick Astley is such a nice guy that he will let you borrow any movie from his video collection except one. He’s never gonna give you Up


__________________


Thought for the day


Never sponsor a vet.


They might misunderstand if you say "Can you put me down for a fiver?"


_________________


"You've never understood anything I've ever said," sighed my wife. "A leopard will never change its spots."


 "Of course they can," I replied, "if they don't like one spot, they'll move to another."


____________________


My granddad was recently admitted to hospital and I phoned the ward today to ask how he was. The nurse said to me, "He's holding his own."


 That's good news, he's getting back to his old self then.


________________


A farmer is checking how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.


 "So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"


 "40," replies the dog.


 "How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"


 "I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."


_______________


I was talking to a doctor in the pub today, and I said, "Do you treat alcoholics?"


 He replied, "Not usually, but what you having?"


_________________________


Thought for the day


If money can't buy you love then why do dating websites charge?


____________________


Apparently, the Popemobile has three inch thick bulletproof glass...


There's faith for you.


_________________________


Sign in a travel Agency.


“GO AWAY”


_______________________


A man goes to the Council to apply for a job. The Interviewer asks him


“Have you been in the armed services?”


 “Yes” he says “I was in the Falklands for three years.”


The interviewer says “That will give you extra points toward employment”, and then asks “Are you disabled in any way?”


The guy says “Yes 100%… a land mine blew my testicles off.”


The interviewer tells the guy “OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM.”


The guy is puzzled and says “If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”


 “This is a council job” the interviewer replies, “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.  There’s no point in you coming in for that.”


__________________


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.


_______________________


Abstinence, makes the Church grow fondlers.


 ____________________


A Man takes his wife to a disco.


There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.


The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."


 Husband says:  "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


 ___________________


A husband says to his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”


She says,  “I’d take half, then leave you.”


“Excellent,” he replies,  “I won £25, here’s your half – now bugger off!”





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